VINYL

I was having a conversation with Shanika the other day about the fog that comes when You fall for someone and I said, I think that's love. I think the moment that fog starts to roll in I think that's when You really start to fall for a person, and I call it fog because like a weather condition we have no control over it. And then I said... I think that fog is Love.

So... if we are going of this idea, then thinking back (and now reading back) I've been in love twice. I've loved a lot of people, and I'm sure to certain extents I've been in love at different times but I've only ever been completely lost in this fog once. And I wish I could say that he loved me back but at least in this lifetime... now I will never know.

I met him in college, sophomore year he came in and he had this cologne that I remember just being infectious. I can't remember how we originally met but I remember the first time he smiled at me. He started hanging out with my group of friends and by extension I started hanging out with him and next thing I knew we had each other's numbers, we were talking all the time, hanging out without the group and one night... we kissed.

Now as far as I knew, he was straight. That night, definitely changed my perspective. He also abruptly left, let me know that he made it back and also let me know that we could not talk about it to anyone. So I go from feeling like the fat kid getting picked first for the kickball team to feeling like stowaway. So what's the first thing I did? Text Genelle and tell her about the whole thing of course. It became the insider of the group and I was fine with having the secret be ours and ours only. I still got to hang out with him, got to take him home on trips back to Delaware with his hand in mine. I got to learn about his absolute adoration of Michael Jackson and how amazing of bowler he was. He used to reminisce about his football days and it felt like I was there rooting for him in the stands. He was always so interested in my love for music and what new mix I had for him to listen to or what new album we would be vibing to for that hour in my Galant and one day it was the first Jennifer Hudson album. We Gon Fight came on and there's a part toward the end where she ad-libs "Holla If You Hear Me" and I remember him getting the biggest laugh out of it because he couldn't understand how something that was supposed to be so hard was so soft. In a way I think that it was a perfect descriptor for him, he was this very rugged and rough exterior of a struggling kid who was struggling through wanting to do better for his family, not wanting to disappoint them with his life choices/decisions all while working through his internal struggle battle with his sexuality and there was a softness to the way he approached life when he really cared about something. He didn't have to make much sound to make an impact but you never missed him when he walked into a room.

The pipe dream became too much though. The more time went on, I didn't want to be the "friend" that dropped him off at home, the "pick-me" guy watching the girls hang off of him knowing what was going on between us. The more I confronted him about it, the more he tried to quell me until I realized it was time to sever the tie. He eventually left the campus I was on and we found each other in random communication throughout the years. To my friends I called him Kryptonite because anytime he came back around I felt like I had to respond, couldn't block him, couldn't turn away, had to reach out when I saw him... there was just something about him that I found it really hard to stay away from. Eventually I made the choice to say enough was enough, a couple years ago I heard he was engaged to a guy and was very happy with him. As much as I wanted to be happy for him... all I could do was just wish him well and hope that he was happy. I also found out last year that he passed away from a car accident I believe.

Finding that out felt like a chance of love was gone. Blame the sitcoms or the movies and I hadn't seen this man in years so I had no intention of ever seeking him out or any desire to be with him but HE felt like the most what if's of what if's and though I can smile about it now I laugh to help the sadness. I just never thought I'd see a day where I would hear that he was no longer here. He was always supposed to come out of the blue and randomly hit on me again and make me feel like I was in college so I can hit him with a "Go Home Roger" and still run and tell Genelle that I feel like a school girl all over again. But I don't have that anymore, so I typed this... for anyone that may have had this experience or maybe has/had a situation where they didn't/couldn't get closure and just say... please smile, laugh, cry, get angry and smile again. There's a reason that you are not in whatever situation you are in and you have to find ways to accept that and choose to move forward with it. Whether you believe it is for the best or not, all that matters is that it is. I think about HIM often and always have, and I think that it was a love unlike any other I've experienced and in a category of its own just like it should be. So thank you to HIM for loving me as much as you could, showing me a version of love I never know and allowing me to have a story to remember and having something to pass on to others.

So I'm not sure where I will be when I pass... BUT in my Claymont Apartment (2024) I created a Vinyl wall in one of its iterations, and when I was buying the albums for it I found one with his name on it. All of them are symbolic but because I know that Genelle would 1. Cherish these beyond compare but also 2. know which one is his and 3. knows how much him and this story mean to me and would care for my Vinyl collection because of that so I'm going to leave my full collection of Vinyl's to my true A1 since Day 1. She is the reason my introvert shield cracked and probably the catalyst to many more things but that's a story for another post. So Genelle, please take these and care for them just like I would (probably better to be honest) and if someone else is taking care of Genelle's belongings... please care for them like she would. Genelle didn't care about a whole bunch of material things but she cared about the things that she absolutely cared about especially when they came from people that she loved and so I know that she would appreciate these so I hope you appreciate them as much as she would.