MY ADIDAS

I consider myself a pretty good friend overall. I'm learning how social I am and re-learning how shy I am in certain spaces. I've spent a lot of time forgetting or ignoring that and now re-coming to terms with it is like going through puberty all over again it's really weird. Now, I consider myself a great friend to someone who reciprocates the type of friendship I give and the kind of energy I give and spends time with me to know how I operate and wants me to learn how they operate. I consider myself a FANTASTIC friend to my friends who know they can't be my one and only, despite knowing that they will get treated as such, never hold it against me and treat me that way because despite knowing being a yes man and a "if you ask me AND you ABSOLUTELY need me I will" for mostly anyone that I have my limits and also that I have a really hard time saying know because the way this anxiety is set up I can't even complete this thought without a run-on sentence (takes deep breath).

Not to be dramatic but I've lost a fair amount of friends over the past year (almost 2) and it's hard to pinpoint a reason but I can come up with a couple of things that are common threads among them. Some of them are women, older than me, January/Capricorn and some were Long-time (High School/College) and when I look back over my adult life at the friends that I've lost or just stopped talking to they fall into these categories too and I don't know what that says about me or if it says anything but I'm sure if I could decipher it, it would say something about the type of people I gravitate toward. Drawing attention to the route cause for ending these relationships with over these years, a lot of How we defined our friendships differed and the impact on our lives changed and growing in different directions wasn't translating from me. I selfishly could've communicated this differently to certain people but by the end of it the result was going to be the same and while I wish things had been different, I wish I had been treated differently and rather than put myself through attempting to hash it out I just chose to exit stage left and while I Hope the sadness and remorse pass I don't regret the decisions.

I met this woman at my doctor's office, she works there and it was my 2nd time there but first time since I had dropped some of the weight and she began to tell me how attracted she was to me. I tell her that I'm gay, she then proceeds to tell me about her slight disappointment and then asks if I need a friend. She says, "I can always use somebody to go out with, go out in the city, we could be we each other's wingmen!" (Play the pause the video tape sound) So what she didn't know is that...

She's a black woman, a little older than me and I saw the way she kept looking at me. There was only a handful of reasons why she wanted my phone number. Anytime I'm in these type of situations they still want to try get at me, they want to take me out and use me as "trade" for a fake boyfriend front for other dudes, they want me to take them out on "friend dates" and still pay for everything like real dates, they want me to help them move their stuff from house to house, it's just always something. BUT I said, let me not be rude, don't let me assume just let me be nice and see if maybe this is somebody who could open me up to new experiences or something so we exchanged numbers. I never heard from her.

So a couple more months go by and I go back into the docs office and she sees me again, nearly same thing happens and she goes, "Why you never call me?" I looked at her and said, "Nah, we're not gonna do that. We exchanged numbers I didn't just take your number. We could've went out by now." We got interrupted when I got taken back but by the end of my appointment she said that she was going to a Sneakerball, she wanted my advice on an outfit and that she would let me know what she ended up wearing. Weeks go by, she never hit me up...

So Mother's Day rolls around and I sent her a Happy Mother's Day text accidentally (she has the same name as another mother in my phone) but this one doesn't have kids 😂 . So she ends up responding and saying "Thank You, Same to You," so I'm like, "Thanks you too!" So then she follows up with "By the way..." Now mind you, I still am thinking this is the other mother that I texted (because they had the same name). She says, "By the way... this is what I wore" and sends a picture of the outfit from the Sneakerball. So I was like "Ohhhhhhh, nice. Hope you had a good time. Nice outfit." She said, "I did." And I haven't heard from her since. Now I can almost guarantee that when I go back into that office in the next couple of months we'll have another conversation like the last 2 and it'll be the same back-and-forth and I will continue to play into the delusion that she wants me as a friend and I will continue to go see my doc. It keeps a smile on my face, a laughter in my spirit and my anxiety much lower than if I just avoided the situation altogether BUT I know that I am not going to befriend her because of all I've learned from the individuals that I've unfriended over the last couple of years that she's tap-dancing all the red-flags of someone I could only be a good friend to BUT she talks like she wants me to be a FANTASTIC friend and I have no intention and/or desire and/or motivation to put time/effort/energy into crafting this friendship to get on the same page so that we do know what it means for both of us to be great or even fantastic friends to each other on the same level.

I'm at a point in my life where I can only connect with people on a level that makes sense and I guess I've always been there but I never really FULLY understood what that meant. I never really understood FULLY what it really meant to bring someone into my life and keep them close. So adding new friends in when I'm already so constantly concerned about the family in my life (friends included in that) and I'm attempting to re-enter the dating scene now so that's a whole other level of caring/worrying about someone, so any other friend or connection to bring in has to be deep and personal or I don't want it. And if my spidey-senses are saying not to put too much energy into a connection then I'm not going to do it. In 2020 when I started really leaning into the manifestation the big one that came up for me was "I don't chase, I attract, What's meant for me, Will simply fine me." And I keep it with me with many forms to this day because I really believe it, and one of the things I've always felt this way about is my sneaker collection so far because I spent a really long time when I was younger with really wide feet and not being able to find shoes that fit me. So I was very limited to what I had access to, so it shaped the way that I move and now that I've gotten older and the industry has changed I'm finding new options all the time but the way I make choices is by just coming across them and creating boundaries around what I'm looking for in the moment and being decisive for that time. It's allowed me to create staples, special moments, regulars and a go-to line that I can count on.

This might be pretty obvious but Budhu ♥️ My sneakers are yours. Wherever you are and wherever they are, they are yours if you want them. If you are not here I hope that whoever is taking care of your sneakers will also welcome mine with open arms because I know you would entrust yours to someone who would care for them just as much if not more than you would. Thank you for being the first person to introduce me to the fact that Jordan's fit my feet, and that there were so many options for my feet. Thanks for making fun of me to the point of making me take those Timbs back because they creased. Thanks for having matching Yeezy Slides with me that one summer even though my were so clearly Knock-Offs that I quickly got rid of when I realized what they were supposed to look like 😂 . And thank you for always letting me wear whatever I wanted whenever I wanted knowing that you would never have to worry about them in my hands. Love them like I love you bro bro ♥️