CANDLES

I've been doing some serious soul-searching lately, and I've realized a few things about my past relationship. When my ex and I moved to Seattle, he made all these promises about being there for me no matter what, but when it came down to it, his actions didn't match up. Looking back, I can see that he did try, but it just wasn't cutting it for me. I've learned that it's crucial to make decisions that are best for me, and I can't help but wonder how different things would have been if I had stood up for myself more. My time working with kids from all walks of life has shown me that we truly have the power to shape our own destinies, and that means making choices that lead to our own happiness. Since then, I've really worked on setting boundaries, finding my voice, and putting my mental well-being first. It's been a journey, but I'm in a much better place now and I want to explore that with you... This is a long way so buckle up!

As I reminisce my childhood, I never really doubted my attraction towards boys or men. I always found it easier to chat with girls, but I soon realized that my feelings for them were different from what I felt for boys. I vividly remember a moment when my dad told me, "The worst she could say is no," when I was feeling down about a girl. It really stuck with me.

Back in the day, whenever I was into someone or wanted to have a girlfriend, it always felt more straightforward. But looking back, I realized that I was only attracted to those who showed interest in me. I just wanted a girlfriend because I thought it would be cool to say I had one, you know? There's this one memory that still bugs me a bit – Dana planted one on me while we were on a slide, and I can't help but hold a tiny grudge about it. But here's the thing: it was never that easy with guys. I had one close guy friend who was straight, and the rest of my crew was all girls. It took me a while to realize that my guy friends weren't on the same page as me. While the girls were developing crushes on me, I was the one catching feelings for them. Looking back, it's interesting to see how things unfolded. Sometimes, the most unexpected realizations come from reflecting on our past experiences.

When I was younger, I always found it easier to open up about my feelings for girls, but when it came to expressing my interest in guys to my friends, it was a totally different story. Looking back, I can't help but think that if I hadn't been led to believe that I only liked girls, I might have explored my feelings for guys a lot earlier. Now, here we are in 2024, and I've been really taking the time to sort through my emotions. I've had some amazing experiences and achieved a lot, but I can't help but wonder how things might have been different if I hadn't initially thought I was bisexual. It's been a bit of a journey trying to untangle what I truly feel from what was just experimentation based on early life experiences. It's funny how these things don't just sort themselves out on their own. You really have to actively work through them, and sometimes you don't even realize that there's an issue until you start digging deep. It's been a process... WHODATHUNK!?

When I was younger, I had this weird habit of speaking in a baby voice whenever I had bad news or wanted something. It was like a default mode for me, almost involuntary. But then one day, someone called me out on it. They told me to stop, and I found it really hard to figure out how to adapt and learn how to find my own voice. Eventually, I did. Fast forward to high school, I was dealing with my parents' divorce. Splitting time between my mom and pop's place was tough. It felt like a constant emotional rollercoaster. But my mom encouraged me to speak up and tell my pops how I felt. It was a challenging conversation, but I did it. Then came the time when I started coming out to everyone. It was a confusing and challenging time, especially when it came to questions about having kids. I still wanted to have a family, but there were doubts. My pops, in particular, said hurtful things that cut deep. It led to a period of not speaking to him for a couple of years. Even when we reconnected, his words lingered in the back of my mind. As I navigate through adulthood, those words still affect me. Watching people who took advantage of and bullied me succeed while I struggle with relationships is tough. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I'm learning to let go of that negativity and find my own path. I believe that the things we say out loud with intention have weight and meaning. And I refuse to believe that this is what I deserve for not staying quiet. It's a journey, but I'm determined to find happiness on my terms.

You know, I've always been that quiet kid that nobody really had to check on. But what's funny is that I've always been into so many different things, and it's been tough to find people who share the same interests. So, I kind of adapted by being interested in whatever everyone else was into. I've always been a soft-spoken person, but I've never been afraid to express myself. It's just that my expression usually comes out creatively rather than vocally, unless someone asks. Growing up, there were three people I could always count on to take a genuine interest in what I was doing: my Mommom, my mom, and Ethan. My relationship with my brother changed as we grew older, and I often felt like there was more tolerance than genuine warmth, especially in my teenage years. As I entered adulthood, it felt like I was written off if I couldn't do something for him, which resulted in me being labeled as "just like my mother." But honestly, I don't see why that's a bad thing. I was really close to my sister, who I recently found out has transitioned to a "themster." If you're reading this, AJ, congrats to you. I wish I hadn't learned about it from a distance, but I hope you're doing okay out there. I feel like there's a wedge between us, and it seems like the only way to make things right is by going out of my way for you. I'm not sure that's the path to rebuilding our relationship, but I genuinely hope you're doing well. As I've gone through life, I've been fortunate enough to find pieces of myself in the family-of-friends I've made along the way. As I continue to grow and reflect, I hope that their love for me grows too. Thanks for sharing this life with me, my love for you in inexplicable.

I've been thinking a lot about my poetry lately. It's been a while since I've written any, but it's been on my mind every day. I'm not sure if it's the pressure, my own thoughts, or just feeling overwhelmed, but writing poetry has always been one of my main creative outlets. A couple of years ago, I poured my heart and soul into a poetry book. It took me a whole year to collect my poetry from different points in my life and create this beautiful book. It was a huge accomplishment for me. Even now, I often flick through its pages to reflect on moments like this, to see if there's more for me to explore. I remember the first time my pops saw my book. Instead of praising it, he pointed out typos (which.. were intentional by the way). I brushed it off at the time, but I can't stop thinking about it. What do you do with a comment like that? I guess I just have to keep pushing forward and remember that comments, good and bad, are always going to come. It's not just the comments on my writing that stick with me. I once painted a watercolor ribcage back in Seattle, and an ex-friend said it looked like trash. It really got to me, and a different old friend was upset that I let it affect me so much. I remember telling her, “I will never let anyone’s comment on my art make me throw it away.” And I meant it, but it still hurts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that creating art, whether it's writing or painting, makes us vulnerable. It's tough to put yourself out there and risk criticism. But I'm learning to embrace it all, the good and the bad, and keep creating no matter what.

Lately, I've been pouring my heart out on the internet, hoping to connect with someone who can relate. It's been a tough journey, especially when it comes to building connections with straight guys and dealing with some strained friendships. I've also been grappling with questions from my family about people who have walked out of my life, and it's been rough. But despite the struggles, I'm holding onto hope and striving to find happiness, both for myself and for others who may be going through similar challenges. It's not always easy to stay positive, especially when faced with criticism that makes it feel like my life won't reach its full potential. But I'm determined to live a fulfilling life and confront the tough moments head-on, even when it feels like I'm disconnected from everything around me. Remember, if you're going through a tough time, you're not alone. We're all in this together.

So... why some people choose not to have kids? And why is it not for me... It's a pretty personal decision, but I think I've finally put my finger on it. We're all a mix of so many things - complicated, selfish, thoughtful, overwhelmed, loving, forgetful, annoying, quiet, sick, kind, anxious, hurtful, powerful, abused, engaging, happy, sad, and everything in between. I mean, we're only human, right? And for me, that's reason enough to not want to bring another life into this world if I can help it. Instead, I'll focus on making the world a better place in my own way and through those that are put into my life organically, universally and wholistically.

With this post, I’m giving away my Candle Collection to Taina. It's her birthday and I couldn't think of a better time to do this. Tereise has always been like a guiding light for me, a real safe haven. Their home was like a second home to me when I was growing up, and those memories are etched in my mind. Taina, you've grown into such an incredible woman, and I know you can handle anything life throws at you. I love that despite your quiet nature, you always stick in people's minds. If these candles go to someone else, I hope they'll cherish them with the same love, light, and optimism that the Paige family embodies. I hope that these candles will either bring a new smell to your life, remind you of me or help you in a time of need. Love you!